Just a quick post today, about two epiphany moments I had yesterday.
As I was driving out of a supermarket car-park, an older lady started reversing out of her space, heading right for my car bonnet. I sat there alarmed, disconcerted, stressed, waiting for the inevitable to happen. As her car started to make impact with mine I banged frantically on her window. She didn't hear and carried on backing into me. At no point in the whole procedure did I think to beep my horn or reverse my car away from her (there was plenty of room behind me). I just sat there, paralysed - in body and mind, watching events unfold.
Later that day, I went round to a friend's house with Oliver for the boys to play and for us to catch up over a cup of tea. At one point we started talking about our older boys and how quickly Sam had grown up since starting school. My friend asked in what ways Sam was being more grown-up, and my mind just went blank.
I knew he did suddenly seem so much older, I knew he'd come out with some grown-up statements and dropped some of his toddler habits. But I just couldn't think of what any of them were. I muttered something about him calling Oliver 'poo head' but that's not grown up. That's not what I meant at all. As my friend pointed out, her 2-year-old says that (and so does mine). It was a really rubbish, wrong, example of what I was trying to convey. And I felt like an idiot.
It's not the first time my mind's gone blank and I've said something odd, or out of place or just plain wrong. It's not the first time I've felt like an idiot in a social situation. But it's the first time I've thought about the fact that this must be how Ethan feels most of the time when he's in a social situation. Either scared to speak in case he gets it wrong or speaking, getting it wrong and retreating back into himself. It's a horrible feeling to feel out of depth in a social situation. And I need to see the world more from Ethan's point of view. It must be exhausting and horrible a lot of the time.
And then he comes home to a nagging, disappointed wife.
I can see it's hard for him. But he's still driving me mad.