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Saturday, 12 July 2014

Aspergers and self-control (or lack of it)

Anyone else experience an utter lack of self-control in their Aspergers spouse?
Be it a family size tub of Pringles, treats for the kids' lunchboxes, a bottle of wine or a 'share size' (the clue's in the labelling) tub of Ben and Jerry's - he polishes off the lot with gay abandon. Never a thought for the other four people in his family, most significantly for me for his hard-working wife (yes, I know, he works hard too) who might fancy a glass of wine when she gets in, or for the next day when our cupboards are bare! He seems to live completely in the moment - as a child would.
He doesn't seem to have a 'moderation' switch in his brain - everything is all or nothing. Whether it's extreme dieting (after a week of polishing off all our crisps and chocolate) where he eats nothing all day until tea-time and comes home from lugging heavy equipment around all day faint with hunger, or DIY projects that take over his mind so completely and utterly that his family cease to exist until the task is done. He just doesn't seem able to do something - anything - 'a little bit'.
It doesn't make him the worst person in the world but it is pretty annoying when you've been looking forward to your favourite programme with some ice-cream all day only to find, when you open the freezer door, that it's all gone. It doesn't make you feel very considered - or even remembered at all. Does he recollect, as he slurps the last bit of ice-cream from the tub, that he has a wife - who might like some too?!
And, in all honesty, I find it hard sometimes to respect a man who has trouble controlling himself. It doesn't make you feel you can comfortably trust yourself and your family to his care and leadership. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh - but that's how it makes me feel.

Now, where are those Pringles I hid under the bed?!


  1. Yes Yes Yes Laura!
    No moderation, no self control, just like a child. It's probably what gets to me the most, and is what has lost Mr H a lot of my respect over the years; when he behaves like a child I want to treat him like one, rather than my adult partner and soulmate. It's not good for our relationship, but I can't talk to him about how I feel, he just doesn't get it.
    Hannah x

  2. I know just how lonely this life is and at times their selfishness feels devastating, as though we mean nothing to them beyond a familiar presence in their life. Soul destroying in the extreme. I am so thankful to all of you with the courage to speak out on here. Many days this is the only place I know that I have not lost my sanity. X.

    1. Maryann, keep reading, keep replying, that's how we stay sane x

    2. Thank you Hannah, I will keep reading and replying, I need this place and am deeply grateful you are all here. X

    3. Hello
      I am empathetic but not sympathetic to your plight - if your partners are truely 'diagnosed' as ASPIES (not just with a feel good imposed label), then the described behaviour is part of the condition - they need SUPPORT to deal with it, not being treated like selfish children - try replacing the word "selfish" with "self-centered".
      A subtle change, but please believe it opens the door to discussion, and to moving forward on the demonstrated behaviour, not the person.

      kindest regards for all dealing with the challenges.

  3. I don't know whether to laugh or cry!! As I read this you perfectly described my life with my Asperger's husband and three boys....Thank you for making me know that I am not losing my mind and I am not alone!!!

  4. As an aspie, I also had problems in moderation. I used to eat nothing but one yogurt for days, and then I'd eat everything in the house and get horrible stomach aches the next day. It's what causes rage attacks, that lack of control. Now I know it's not just me. Good to know. I'm working on eating normally now. But I'm so impulsive and just have to do what I want when I want it, or it drives me crazy.

  5. I appreciate all these comments. I often feel totally alone in my situation with an Aspie husband whom I love and who loves me very much. But sometimes I feel such dislike and disrespect for him...Those are my feelings, which I can’t control. But I do control how I express them. Usually I don’t express them at all to him. Maybe I need to start writing little letters to him again, something I did in the past but haven’t lately. He could accept my comments in written form and would always acknowledge their validity.

  6. I know what you mean! My husband will get up while we are watching tv & come back with a bowl of chips for himself only.