It's Christmas Day and he's opening the present you’ve bought him. The kids are excited because they’ve ‘helped’ wrap it. He opens it, looks at it, pauses a moment and says…
“Oh dear.”
You know he has Aspergers - that he struggles to understand
even his own emotions, that present-giving with all eyes on him waiting for a
reaction is particularly pressured for him. But actually, right at that moment,
you’re just p****d off. Fed up with having a husband who deflates everyone
around him, fed up with having to pander to him and make excuses for him, fed
up with him always being miserable. So, even though it’s Christmas Day and you’re
in the middle of present-opening and all the kids are there and excited and you
don’t want to spoil the day for them, you find you just can’t hold it back.
“What is wrong with you?” you say. “I know you’ve got
Asperger's but there’s no excuse for being just bloody rude."
He looks awkward and does a kind of smirk, because he
doesn’t know what else to do, and that makes you even madder.
“It’s not funny,” you shout at him, surrounded by wrapping
paper and a now crying daughter who’s begging you to stop arguing. “It’s just
horrible and rude and it’s now spoiled things for everyone. Why would you say
that? Even if it’s not something you want. You must surely know that’s not the
right thing to say when you open a present that somebody has brought for you?”
At which point your husband tells you to stop being so
sensitive and walks out of the room. And you survey the scene before you of two
suddenly quiet boys who’ve developed an intense interest in the game of
wildlife scrabble that, two minutes earlier they had cast aside disdainfully as
it wasn’t Lego or something with a screen and your daughter who is wiping her
tears on her sleeve and you realise that, for their sake as well as your own,
you have to come back from this. That you can’t let it write-off Christmas Day.
That, actually, for a million different reasons, including the laptop, No.7
toiletry set, pestle and mortar and mini gifts from the kids that he’s bought,
wrapped and got the kids to write the labels on for you and the many Christmas
social gatherings that he’s come to and forced himself to perform at, you know he loves you and doesn’t mean to mess up so badly. So you kiss the kids,
tell them sorry and that it’s going to be fine and you go and find your
husband. Although you’re still mad and feel he’s the one that should be
apologising, you apologise for your part in the proceedings; for having a go at
him on Christmas Day in front of the kids. You tell him that you understand
that his Asperger’s makes it difficult for him to know what to say but, of all
the things he could have picked to say “Oh dear” was probably the worst. And the
steam is taken out of the situation. He apologises too. Says he knows it was a
stupid thing to say but that he just couldn’t think of anything else. He admits
that he already knew about the present because Ava had given it away two days
ago – so he was aware he had to act surprised even though he wasn’t and, it
seems, this was too much for his mind to process, along with the pressure of everyone
watching him and him being aware there was a kind of protocol that he should be
following. He doesn’t know why it was that ‘Oh dear’ came out but you suspect
it was an expression of how he felt under the pressure of the situation. After
all, Aspies find it hard to edit themselves – what they’re feeling or thinking
is generally what comes out while they’re busy trying to think of what they
should really be saying!
Christmas Day was saved. Ethan came back into the room, we
carried on opening presents. We even kissed in front of the kids to show we
weren’t mad with each other. I actually ended up feeling a bit sorry for him –
that, even in the relative comfort of his own home with just his family around,
he still felt panicked and stressed when he had to play a part that he wasn’t
sure of. Is there anywhere, anytime, anyplace that this guy can relax? Oh yes, that’ll be in the office in the dark
playing computer games…until I come and have a go at him for shutting himself
in there instead of being with his family. Hmmmm….
It ain’t easy! All we can do is keep picking ourselves up and trying again.
I wish all of you, AS or NT and despite
the surface-level complications, highs and lows, tears and triumphs, a
foundation of happiness, acceptance and peace this new year.