At first read, I know, it may seem trifling. But it's
precisely interchanges as 'unimportant' as this that, in some way, are the
hardest thing to deal with because they're constant and depressing.
In I blustered, having just undertaken a very wet and windy
school run. I was dripping wet - but cheerful, at least at first.
"They really need to sort out the drainage on Dobbin
Lane," I chirped, wanting nothing more than a light-hearted 'blimey, I'm wet,'
sort of a conversation. "The road's flooded the whole way down. If a car
drives past the spray reaches half-way across the pavement. And if a bus drives
by, you've got no chance - a tsunami of spray reaches from one side of the
pavement to the other. A group of poor school kids got absolutely
drenched."
Ethan's interest visibly rose at this point. It was nice to
have him actually listen to me - it was the 'stopping what's he's doing and
looking at me' kind of listening that I don't get very often. Then he spoke. And the moment was ruined.
"The bus drivers are liable for that, you know,"
came his response. "They have to pay the dry-cleaning costs." The
fact he even knew this was depressing. That insuppressible AS trait of having
to find someone to blame, to be liable, even for the weather, made me want to
cry.
I just wanted to indulge in a bit of jolly exasperation
about the weather with my husband. I suppose I wanted Ethan to say something
like "woah - you're soaked! I know, Dobbin Lane's a nightmare in the rain.
Go and get changed. I'll make you a cup of tea." What I didn't want was to
stand in my wet clothes discussing taking out a libel case against the bus
driver, or to be instructed by Ethan to write to the council to complain. I
just wanted a moment of shared humanity and eye-rolling over the extremes of
the British weather. What I got was angry, defiant attack via me towards the
world. It's that attitude, played out repeatedly, day after day, that can grind
you down the most. It makes you feel pretty lonely, no matter how many friends you
have, when you can't chat with your own husband.
While he writes the letter to the council, I'm going outside
to splash in puddles!
I know how you feel Laura, it's the attitude, the negativity, the need to allocate blame, that really does grind you down. I don't know what the answer is, apart from trying to "rise above it". That's my coping mechanism, I try to let it float over my head. Don't always succeed though!
ReplyDeleteHannah x