Aspergers, connection and leaving our partners to it sometimes

I’ve been reminded again this weekend of the lifeline of having other people to talk to who are going through similar situations and living similar relationships.

Sitting around a table on Saturday with other NT partners, sharing our frustrations over what our Aspergic spouses had or hadn’t done, Ethan seemed almost normal – in an AS kind of a way! Hearing about the same traits playing out in other AS individuals and the same strains and issues this puts on families was, actually, hugely reassuring. It confirmed again (because I do need reminding) that Ethan does indeed have a distinct set of outlooks, characteristics and neural pathways that he’s been born with and that, to a certain extent, he’s limited by. It’s not just that he chooses to overreact, shut me out, aggravate the kids or become absorbed in himself by choice. Knowing that (that he’s not a git on purpose!) is a huge relief. Whether it’s through forums, chat rooms, support groups or more traditional friendships, the relief of comparing notes and laughing and crying together about both the ridiculous and heart-wrenching aspects of life with an AS spouse is wonderfully cathartic.

Ethan, for his part, has been holding the fort at home this weekend whilst I’ve had my fill of ‘therapy’. It took a bit of planning and organising on my part: making lists, suggesting ideas of what to do with the kids and leaving out Brownie/Beaver uniforms along with offerings for the harvest festival complete with sticky note reminding him of the time he had to be there. But it was so worth it. And Ethan rose admirably to the occasion. OK, the kids wanted to go swimming and they got soft play (where Ethan could sit in a corner with a coffee and his iphone), they watched lots of TV, Sam didn’t do his spellings and both he and Ava had nits when I returned (although I can hardly blame Ethan for that!). But they did make it to the harvest festival, Sam read the whole of his school book and Ethan even remembered to write it up in Sam’s reading record, Ava did her spellings and they all decorated gingerbread men (bought from Asda – Ethan drew the line at baking with them!) With me out of the picture, it seems, life was calmer. Without me interfering and passing judgment, Ethan had obviously felt more relaxed – free to do things his way. The kids had a weekend free of the tension that often exists between Ethan and I. They also, I’ve found, generally behave better when I’m not there – they’re less whingey, less demanding, less argumentative – as if they realise there’s no point going down that road with Ethan!

As soon as Ethan and the kids picked me up at the train station, chaos, noise and stress levels returned. The kids were all talking at once, they interrupted when I was speaking to Ethan, which made Ethan cross and, at bath-time later, Oliver screamed at Ethan whilst he was getting him out. Ethan immediately retaliated by shouting back, right in Oliver’s face, making me then get cross with Ethan which made Oliver moan more. How quickly life as normal resumed. There’s only one thing for it: I need to start planning my next trip away!