What I'm learning is that, when I respond back with the same
attitude I'm met with, it exacerbates the situation and makes us both feel
worse. The alternative is really, really (really) hard to do because it means
forfeiting my opportunity to justifiably point out his wrong-doing and my
suffering, but it's getting easier with practice and it yields far better
results. Also, the more I do it, the less I need to do it. It takes the heat out
of the moment and shows Ethan there's another way.
What am I talking about...?
I'm talking about meeting resistance, aggression, blame with
its opposite: if I'm met with negativity, responding with something positive.
If I'm met with criticism, responding with praise. And if I'm met with shouts,
responding with soft words.
The more I'm able to swallow my pride and surrender my
self-interest, the less I have to do it. Because the change in me is starting to
bring about a change in him. He's beginning, now and again, to recognise when
he's unnecessarily irritable and aggressive. He might not be able to hold it
in, but knowledge is power. Recognising it, surely, is the first step to
controlling it? And he's quicker to say sorry afterwards, talk to me about it
and listen to my take on it - because I'm not attacking him. I wouldn't say I'm turning hate into love - because there's nothing as strong as hate there to start with, but you get the idea...
More than nagging, criticism, pointing out what he did wrong
and 'helpfully' suggesting how he could have done better...I'm learning he
needs someone to believe in him.
I've not forgotten, I need to swallow that pride some more
and lay myself bare to Ethan's expose of what it's like, as a person with
Aspergers, to live with an extreme N/T (if there is such a thing) - basically,
I'm his polar opposite. Where he's unsociable; I'm extremely sociable, where he finds it difficult to empathise; I
feel everyone's pain and spend my time trying to make things better for
everyone, where he likes science, objects and gadgets; I like people,
relationships and experiences, where he likes order; I live in chaos. It's an
interesting pairing! Next blog - over to Ethan (I promise!)
You are right Laura, it's the same as all the "positive parenting" stuff, and it does work. But it is so hard sometimes to do, even though you get good results, especially when you feel resentful that you should have to use these techniques with an adult man, as well as your children.
ReplyDeleteKeep blogging.
Hannah x
As a wife of an aspie, diagnosed 8yrs ago, I can really see where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteMust admit, my big challange at the moment is coping with him and our twin 13yr old boys, Aspergers and teenage temper tantrums do not mix well, in fact AS and teenage behaviour doesn't mix, period!, Like you, I am piggy in the middle, and am often difusing situations by doing the exact opposite of what I want to do, which is usually go in to meltdow. Good luck, and I will follow you blog with intrest.