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Thursday, 20 February 2014

Aspergers and new beginnings

So, I feel this blog is perhaps getting a bit repetitive.
I feel I'm getting a bit repetitive.
The relationship between Ethan, Aspergers and me is repetitive. We seem to go round in circles - the same issues arising again and again. Familiar arguments, heartfelt but customary apologies, well-worn frustrations that get no less frustrating with their frequent appearances...life continues in the same way it always has; sometimes hugely irritating and disappointing. Often I feel like I have four children to look after, counsel, tell-off, guide and organise. Often Ethan feels nagged, criticised and put-down. We both try to do better but, a lot of the time, we fail.
Sometimes we have glimpses of hope. Or I'm filled with a rare grace and love and appreciation for Ethan. I see beyond the awkwardness and frustration and irritations bubbling shallowly, and almost constantly, on the surface and see his good heart, his humour, his commitment to us - his family - and him trying to understand himself better and so be better. I'm caught up short by how hard and over-stimulating and stressful life with his pressured job and his loud, messy household must be for him. And I'm amazed and in awe of him.
But then I say something and he doesn't respond. We go on a family day out and he wanders off on his own or, in a flash of unreasonable temper, he yanks Sam by his coat, banging his head on a door handle in the process and all I can think is how much I want shot of this man. And wonder why on earth I married him in the first place.
We muddle through. And I could go round in circles writing about the thousand little grievances and incidents along the way for ever. But I feel the need for something more constructive - constructive for me to write as well as for you to read.
And so, starting with the next post, I'll be writing a series of blogs about making life work with a partner with Aspergers. Each post will look at one action, mindset or situation I specifically can take, adopt or influence to make life with an Aspergers husband and dad work better for us all. I don't have a clue what these nuggets will be yet - it'll be a journey of exploration for me too, about what works and, occasionally, what doesn't.
The important thing is that I'm writing about what I can do because, in the end, the only person you can change is yourself. And hope that, in the process, you might nudge the people around you in the right direction too.

2 comments:

  1. You write so eloquently about this issue Laura, and I agree, it's easy to fall into negativity but more difficult to be positive. I look forward to your new, more positive posts!
    I am possibly further down the road than you, in my late 50's, with adult children no longer living at home. I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years, and although he is undiagnosed, he is definitely aspergers, as are his sisters, and I am finding him harder and harder to live with as he gets older. Or is it that I am harder to live with? I have been thinking about blogging for a while now, as a means of venting as much as anything else, will start next week. Best wishes to you and stay strong x

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    1. Hi Hannah,
      Thanks for getting in touch - and for your encouragement. It's good to hear other people's stories and experiences, and to know that there are more of us out there muddling through! I find with Ethan that some things (socialising) have got better as he's got older and had more practise and other things (temper, iritability) have got worse. But I guess circumstances, tiredness and the stage of life we're at play their part. Maybe he'll get more chilled as the kids get older!
      It would be great to read your blog - let me know where I can find it.
      Laura x

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