Had a sudden moment of clarity as I stomped furiously into
the shower last night. I always find the shower is a great place to let off
steam (pardon the pun) and to think clearly. Must be something to do with all
that cleansing water pounding down on you that awakens your senses. Or maybe it’s
just that the shower’s the only place and time that I get time and space to
think!
In any case, I’d stomped into the shower and was
thinking/fuming. Ethan had just, in one fell swoop, upset Ava, upset Ava’s
friend who was round for a sleepover (to such an extent that she was crying and
wanted to go home), and upset me.
I don’t need to go into details, but he’d got stressed and shouted
and been generally pretty harsh and unpleasant - and his irritation was mostly
directed towards Ava’s friend, which makes it doubly inappropriate.
As the water soothingly pounded me in the shower, I realised
that I was partly to blame for the turn of events (and I’d been far from calm with
the kids myself). I know that Ethan has Aspergers. I know that normal,
day-to-day life with its demands of work, social interaction, expectations and
three energetic young children is almost more than Ethan can bear sometimes. So
my decision to throw two more children into the mix (we were having a double
sleepover last night) was probably pretty poor decision-making. And me trying
to force Ethan into the role of fun, attentive, jolly father for the entire
duration of the afternoon and evening, with little chance for time out, was
doubly poor decision-making.
Two five-year-olds repeatedly getting out of bed and running
downstairs at 10pm (by which time Ethan has normally switched off) at the same
time as two eight-year-olds complaining about the snack Ethan had made and
requesting a different film, and a stressed wife snapping at everyone and
nagging him to help, led to an overload. His response was to combust - internally
and externally and to release his stressed, angry unedited thoughts on Ava and
her unsuspecting friend.
Ethan is trying hard to make changes to his default
settings. But that situation was too much for him. He malfunctioned. And I
realised, in the shower, that it’s not all about Ethan changing, it’s also
about me changing. We all need to adapt to Ethan’s Aspergers. He and his needs
and breaking points need to be considered before I charge ahead creating chaos
and making arrangements. At the same time, I don’t want the kids and I to
become so Aspergerised that we cease to be ourselves and never do the things we
like to do. It’s a difficult balance, but one that both of us (thankfully) are
determined to master.
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