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Saturday, 27 April 2013

Aspergers and maddening routines

There are some routines Ethan has that are maddening:
Like having to get into his pyjamas every night at the same time as the kids, to the extent that, even if one of them is shouting and wailing and I'm busy sorting out another of them, Ethan will just ignore the shouts. Completely block them out. I don't even think he hears them. Until I scream at him to go and bloody well sort it out that is. Or abandon one child to go and sort out the other. I make sure I huff and puff and complain loudly well within Ethan's ear shot (although it usually has no effect other than to feed my frustration  while Ethan carries on with what he's doing. Best to confront an issue head on, I find.)
He has to obsessively go to the loo and have a shower every morning (and it takes him ages). No matter how late we are, and even if we're about to go swimming?! I always have a shower the night before because I know there's never time in the morning. And my loo visits (for either job) take around 1 minute. He would never dream of rushing or by-passing his shower.
He always has to sit down to the same breakfast and, bar breakfast, he always has to have some form of pudding after every meal (I was brought up only having pudding on a Sunday so this really jars with me!) When he has a cup of coffee he has to sit down and be still while he drinks it. I barely get to sit down to eat my meals, never mind to drink my tea!
On the face of things, it's not a problem that he has routines and ways of doing things. The real issue, I guess, is that he daily indulges in these routines while I am forced to run around, adapt, eat a slice of toast while getting the kids dressed, miss a meal altogether, have greasy hair because there's no time for a shower, etc, etc, so that he can stick unswervingly to his ways. I guess the issue is that I feel I get the raw end of the deal. It's not fair. I feel sorry for myself, I suppose.
And, as with so many of the issues we are dealing with at the moment, it wouldn't be nearly so much of a problem if we weren't bringing up three kids and juggling so much. The only way to be able to manage it all is to be adaptable - something which is almost impossible for Ethan.
Cue the tension!
Now please excuse me while I stop Oliver running his cars down the walls of the freshly painted hall and wash Ava's hair...
Ethan's in the shower!

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha ha :) I really love your posts!

    "The real issue, I guess, is that he daily indulges in these routines while I am forced to run around..."

    This used to drive me mad about my partner (it still sometimes does - he does not do anything, I mean anything, in less than 30min).

    But then - I realised - that actually, maybe I was jealous. And that maybe I was the one who got it wrong - and he was the one who got it right. He was enjoying the cups or tea and having a good quality of life. I was the one who felt I was always rushing and never got the chance to enjoy it.

    So I started to try to copy him (this was before we even lived together). I observed the simple things that he did - the ones he seemed to take ages to do - and I tried out what would happen if I did the same. And - the world did not fall apart!

    I am still not mrs relaxed, and I still do rush around and do way too much. But I have learnt to slow down a bit. And I am not angry with him for him taking his time (well, sometimes I am) because at the bottom of my heart I know he has is doing life the zen way and my way is misguided.. :)

    ps. experimenting his way did mean accepting that I got very little done each day - but actually, that was fine. I noticed that most things did not need done (e.g. we have pretty much done away with ironing now)

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